Three years ago, my oldest daughter was pregnant with twin girls, Ella and Violet. One terrible night, we rushed her to the hospital to find out that the umbilical cords had entangled and we had lost them both at 25 weeks gestation. It was one of the darkest nights of my life, darkest weeks of my life. A few days later, it came my time to return to work as a pathologist. I was assigned to a small hospital up north with a lower than normal volume of work, which sounded great for a beat up father who had just been robbed of being a grandfather.
Not until I got there did it sink in what the major workload would be…placentas. And day after day, every day, there came twin placentas and placentas from intrauterine demise cases. Each time my heart would sink, and I would gaze upward and whine, “Really? Another one?” I guarantee you; in my grief I was not praying for repeated reminders of death. I was praying for healing, both for me and for my children. I wondered why my healing prayers were left unanswered.
As the weeks passed, it became easier but the number of twins and demises continued to be far higher than I expected from the probabilities. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. But at the same time, it seemed like I was there for my daughter and her husband and was able to talk things out with them, help them heal…without me breaking down.
Finally one day I received yet another twin placenta--and it was OK.
Finally I could hear the truth: “I haven’t been giving you what you wanted, but I have been giving you what you needed. I knew you could handle it and this was best.”
Yes. God had given me just what I needed to function for my family, and to heal. Dr. James Small
We are such complex creatures as humans. We think we know how life should work out and we plan it according to our dreams. Dreams die and we are faced with a life we had not planned. We are left alone with little power to overcome---but we are not alone.
As a wise once pastor reminded me:
“I don’t know when it will happen and I don’t know where it will happen; but, if you do not give up, the Shepherd will find you and bring you home.”
Dear Lord above,Life is hard on this planet sometimes. But you are here. You have promised to be here. Help me through my dark times to know that you will give me what I need even if I may not realize it at the time. Thank you for your infinite wisdom and compassion.Amen.